just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
