he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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