he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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