now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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