Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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