This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
