In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize