Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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