she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
