So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
someone threw a dead crab at me
i already hear my dad disowning me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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