one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
