I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize