ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
