I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
