I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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