i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The air taste purple.
Randomize
