remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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