I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
