I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
