New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
