please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
