Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
