Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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