In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
