i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
