Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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