Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize