you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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