I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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