I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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