Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
