I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
