My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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