FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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