just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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