happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
