You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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