he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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