question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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