I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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