hotel room ftw
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
