Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
