I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
