i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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