I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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