He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
