you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
