You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She needs sedatives and a leash
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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