This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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