My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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