is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
