We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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