Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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