Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
where are my eyebrows?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
