He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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