I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
