just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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