Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
