pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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