My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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