I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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