Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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