24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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